You Can’t Turn Up Preserves…

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about the whole Kardashian clan. If you don’t (for some reason) then how the hell did we meet?

Simply put, the Kardashians are the excrement that other reality shows turn their nose up at. It takes hard work to make The Hoff and The Donald look classy. Congratulations Kardashians! You did it!

Now, I’ve never recorded a single meant for public consumption (yes, I have been inside an actual recording studio before and sung and had it down on tape and everything) but I’m pretty sure someone SOMEWHERE must have heard this tripe and said to themselves “Whoa. Hang on there.” The problem is that either the power of her ass, boobs or dad’s money kept them from saying it out loud. As a result, this exists:

If you are simply going to insist on using tits, ass and cash to promote a singing career, could you please make sure you can actually sing? While even the power wielded by the mighty Tyra couldn’t pull it off, at least her song is something I’d hit the elliptical to:

Gas Chromatograph Mass-Spectrometer

So… episode four happened. Yeah. Okay, before we start in on the Kayla incident, what the FUCK was up with the Spencer & Sarah moment? Fuck you Virgin Mobile for making me watch that. It was bad enough when Bianca and Laura were doing their little chats at the end of each episode to break down the model action on a previous cycle, but this was just – I mean, come on! I’m calling bullshit. I didn’t give a shit about these two when they were on The Hills. Hell, I didn’t give a shit about The Hills!

Fucking reality TV making faux celebrities. Why are you wasting my time with these people when I could be watching more Top Model?! ((Anyone who missed the sarcasm there, go beat yourself with the duh stick.))

All right. That’s out of my system, so now we can start on the Kayla drama. First off, ladies and gentlemen. If you are already suffering from a strangely racing heart and it won’t calm down – DON’T TAKE PILLS! Nothing. Not an aspirin. It’s just a bad idea. I hope a doctor in the ER yelled at her good for hoping Ibuprofin would help her palpitations. That said, I was really impressed with Bianca’s ability to actually do something when Kayla began to hyperventilate and vomit. 

Over half a dozen girls standing around a vomiting chick wheezing like Whinnie the Pooh stuck in a hole and only one girl thought “Hey, we might want to call someone for an ambulance. This shit’s getting real.”

I said I liked blood. When did vomit enter the discussion?

But, Kayla came home hale and hearty a few hours later, so I’m done being worried about her. But yay to Laura for going with her to the hospital! There’s a friend. You go Wanda Sue’s legacy!

Y'all will not believe how much this bitch threw up after we left!

Oh, my lordy the teaching challenge! Wow. Just wow. Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that the few cold line reads I’ve done in my life were in no way magical. Or good. Or… Well, I sucked at it. That’s why I blog now. I’m not saying that’s why all bloggers blog, only that that’s my personal origin story. Ahem. *cough* Anyway –

Props to Angelea and Bre for getting the not that hard medical terminology, but what the hell was up with the rest of these girls? The words sound the way they’re spelled! It’s not like they had to say Balenciaga or Louis Vuitton (though I’m sure these twitches can get those names out)! I could break the fail down but it frankly just makes me too sad. Instead I’m gonna focus on the curse bomb of fail that was Lisa. I don’t like her – never have, never will – but she reached a whole new level of “bitch please” with the whining and cop out excuses this challenge.

Who cares if you haven’t read the script for an hour an a half? Whose fault is that? I don’t remember anyone saying “Scripts down after five minutes and no touching after that!” (If I’m wrong about that let me know.)

And her hair! What is that ball of crazy doing to her hair?! I know she got that short choppy thing for a reason, but why is she curling it like an aging drag queen’s Doris Day wig? Does she really look in the mirror each morning and think to herself “nailed it”?

Like, for real. More hairspray and gel, yo.

Just when I thought Bianca might not be that bad, she goes and pulls that photo shoot bullshit too! “Out of all the girls here, I’m the model.” Seriously? You’re going to say that and then do that lame work you were doing? I don’t care if the real world of modeling doesn’t give you a word to express (get it? Express!) through your modeling for a shoot. This is ANTM bitch. Get with the Tyra program and project that brief like the little Tyra-let you are! You KNEW what this shit was gonna work when you signed on for this. Don’t be flipping’ your hair and rollin’ your eyes at the Trya-ality you find yourself living in now. I thought I might die when Mr. Jay said “You just missed the model boat.”

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Once again you fail by not failing to fail. (Love you Weezer! you’re safe!) She bored Jay, she bored Lisa Gavales and she bored the hell out of the male models. I’ve never seen three beautiful men so bored by a half dressed woman before. It was like all the Viagra went out of the world and they were faced with a life of only Murphy Brown reruns and the Oprah channel for entertainment. (Is there an Oprah channel? I’m sure it’s in the works if there isn’t yet.)

Please. I ain't touching that.

My agent is SOOO fucking fired.

Will we get in trouble if we just let go?

Not only were these poor men bored as hell, they were scared of her crazy rubbing off on them. You could almost see them cringe when they had to pick her up. They obviously wanted to ask if the crazy and the bad modeling was infectious, but they were just too polite to say anything. They probably cleaned off with Lysol and therapy after that shoot.

You know you've fucked up if you've bored Camille (otherwise known as Beige).

Moving on to something happy though, I really hope the house of Wanda Sue couture opens soon. Laura is just the most adorable thing ever and Wanda Sue’s clothes are fantastic. I love me a granny with a sewing machine and a Buttericks pattern book.

I'll take two, Miss Wanda Sue.

But what the hell was up with Dominique’s hair?! Her entire look for judging was gawd-awful, but the hair was by far the worst part.

Oh, God! The 80s pimp-slapped me into the future!

That hoochified half ponytail on the very top of her head was just so… 1996. I remember my sister’s school picture looking like that for a couple of years in the mid nineties. She had the same crunchy curls and that half ponytail on the top of the head.

I get Tyraed of holding my eyebrow up all the time. The hair gots ta help.

The only thing Dominique was missing was beige lips with dark eyeliner and big bangs formed around the Aquanet can. Whoo… I need to breathe for a moment… Middle school flashbacks hurt.

Lisa and Camille in the bottom two was no surprise. I always hated how they kept Camille around her first go around while sending MUCH better models home and it was no different this time. Camille reminds Tyra of the bastard model baby she and Iman could have if science and Republicans would just cooperate. It’s just a shame Sheena and Brittany got screwed so Camille could bore the hell out of us all for a few more weeks. This week’s elimination pretty much left me bored. I want both Lisa and Camille gone so it didn’t matter to me which one got voted off the pretty island. I admit I would have preferred Lisa getting the boot over Camille, but Camille was too boring. Her big drama was a box of bills. You knew that bitch was get gone.

I’m an instant star. Just add water and stir.

David Bowie said that, and how apt when talking about the horde of reality stars being created by scripted candid television. And speaking of scripted reality TV – Next Top Model All Stars BITCHES!!!

Oh, Tyra. Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra.

Not only is the gimmick for this new cycle a whole new level of “what the fuck?!” but it was enough to bring Rich out of ANTM retirement. On one hand, seriously, Tyra – what the hell? On the other hand, though, Rich episode recaps and pretty parties! (If you don’t know what that meant, you need to seriously read the dang ANTM recaps.)

Okay. Whoo boy. All right, let’s start with our contestants on this cycle

Name             Cycle          Age               Persona                        Brand

Camille              2               33                    Diva                            Proud

Bianca               9               22             Loud & Sassy                  Candid

Angelea            14              25        Girl from the Hood         Persistence

Alexandria         16              22           Tough Cali Girl                 Tough

Bre                    5               26           Ghetto Fabulous            Girlfriend

Lisa                    5               30              Wild Child                      Daring

Brittany             4               29                Party Girl                          —

Shannon              1               27                  Angelic                     Trustworthy

Isis                     11              25               Confidence                 Inspiration

Sheena               11              24        Harlem not Hoochie      Unexpected

Laura                   13             22             Country Cutie                  Loveable

Dominique          10             27        Masculine/Feminine         Survivor

Allison               12              23              Quirky Doll                     Unique

Kayla                 15              20             Proud Lesbian                    Free

Ignoring the crazy of these labels (only because I’m not sure my keyboard could survive that rant) that were obviously chosen after Tyra took a trip through a magical chocolate factory and drank some fizzy lifting drink, let’s talk about the models she chose to come back. The “fan favorites.” Fan favorites? Really? I’ve been watching this crazy train since Cycle One and fully admit I drank the top model kool-aid long ago, but who the hell would have ever voted some of these girls “favorites?”

I have to admit I’m a little surprised Jade wasn’t in this cycle! Half this cast of girls were the problem girls that nobody (and I mean N.O.B.O.D.Y.) liked. Who would possibly have listed Bianca, Lisa, Angelea, Dominique or Alexandria their favorites? I sure as hell didn’t and I Fafarazzi my dream team every cycle! I can see Laura, Allison, Sheena and hell, even Brittany or Kayla being true fan faves. Laura is adorable as all get out; Allison is quirky and odd in a fashionable Goth-Loli kind of way and Sheena just be fly.

Whoa. Sorry. I promise never to say that again.

Granted, all people are created equally different in taste and thought process, but I find it really really hard to imagine that Alexandria or Camille were ANYONE’S favorites of their cycles. Where are the rest of the girls I loved that got shafted? Where’s Joanie?! Where’s Natasha?! Seriously, where’s Natasha? Anyone know?

If a Nerd Falls at a Convention Can You Loot Them??

Recently I’ve had the full extent of my nerd driven home to me. How do I know I’ve begun to truly realize the full extent of my nerd? Three ways.

One: I not only subscribe to (on iTunes), but have begun watching in order all the episodes of the MMO Report. For those not in the know, the MMO Report is a weekly ten minute show produced by G4 TV in podcast form that follows and shares all the latest and greatest in the world of MMOs, from WOW to LOTRO to the eagerly anticipated in production KOTOR from BioWare. If none of that meant anything to you, don’t worry. That means you’re normal. For those of you who totally understood that alphabet soup, congratulations. You’re a PC MMO/RPG gamer. Welcome to the meeting. Coffee and donuts are on the table at the back.

Two: I now follow half the cast of Next Gen, the entire cast of Dr. Horrible and Tyra (no last name necessary for God – I mean Tyra) on Twitter. When I say half the cast of Next Gen, by the way, I don’t mean Patrick Stewart or Michael Dorn. I mean the nerd squad where I spent most of my youth crushing: Brent Spiner, Wil Wheaton and LeVar Burton (I CAN do anything!). For those of you shaking your head in pity and embarrassment for/over me, don’t bother. They’re shmexy and I like ‘em.

Three: I have begun to out-tech computer engineers that come shopping in my section. I was discussing processors and graphics cards with a man who builds his own computers and when we got going on gaming and vid cards, I talked him silent. Damn. Not only am I not safe in comic book stores (being an actual girl in a comic book store) but now I’m not gonna be safe in Best Buy. Crap.

It’s a relief, really to know there are outlets for my inner nerd (or more accurately my nerd – not so inner is it?) but at the same time I can’t help wondering why I feel slightly ashamed by my geekdom. I should be able to revel in it! People have built entire careers around playing with and reviewing video games, cameras, sound systems, phones and other assorted electronics. They all seem to live in LA, though, and that’s not a commute I’m willing to make. Three hours to and from work a day is excessive. Still, a job at G4 would be a sweet gig. Especially if it paid. Except for an intern spot on XPlay. Those poor bastards may as well wear red shirts on an away mission.

And that statement right there is my commitment to nerd-dom. Long may the nerd reign.

ANTM Cycle 13

When I heard there was going to be a cycle for girls 5’7 and under I was tempted to send in a video. I was going to proudly fight to change the face of reality TV by not falling into the cliches of “I’m the smart one” or “I’m not here to make friends” or use the dreaded “I’m doing this for my family. I can’t go back to the (Wal-Mart, Walgreens, strip joint)” lines. Then I remembered that I was twenty-eight (twenty-nine now), have mid-rise cheekbones, average skin can’t wield a hairdryer with any success. No chance in hell.

So, what does a poor man’s Brigitte Dale do instead? I built a dream team. I have chosen the girls I want to see in the top three- Jennifer, Laura and Nicole.

 

Who do I want to win? Laura, of course.

((That's right. The bouncy, shiny one.))

I want to see her bouncing around like she just drank gummy-berry juice. And I really, really want to see Gramma Wanda Sue in the audience at Fashion Week. In fact, I want Gramma Wanda Sue to show at Fashion Week. Then Laura will always have work (not unlike Danny Elfman whenever Burton finds a script in which Depp can be creepy and hot all at the same time) and we’ll always get to see the amazingly high waisted pants that Gramma Wanda Sue can make.

What I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to see in the rest of the show is this:

I don’t know why the crazy “I love JESUS!” chick disappeared between casting and the makeovers, but damn was I glad she left. My guess as to her “personal issues”- prolonged inpatient treatment (involuntary, naturally) with hyper-religiosity and gardening hat detox. So where does all this leave us for the season? Thanking the heavens that Tyra is still bat-shit insane and that Nigel has stuck around as a judge.

I don’t plan to post something every episode- though nothing says I won’t. But this guy does it better than anyone. Seriously, I scared the cat laughing at his take on this cycle.