I’m an instant star. Just add water and stir.

David Bowie said that, and how apt when talking about the horde of reality stars being created by scripted candid television. And speaking of scripted reality TV – Next Top Model All Stars BITCHES!!!

Oh, Tyra. Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra.

Not only is the gimmick for this new cycle a whole new level of “what the fuck?!” but it was enough to bring Rich out of ANTM retirement. On one hand, seriously, Tyra – what the hell? On the other hand, though, Rich episode recaps and pretty parties! (If you don’t know what that meant, you need to seriously read the dang ANTM recaps.)

Okay. Whoo boy. All right, let’s start with our contestants on this cycle

Name             Cycle          Age               Persona                        Brand

Camille              2               33                    Diva                            Proud

Bianca               9               22             Loud & Sassy                  Candid

Angelea            14              25        Girl from the Hood         Persistence

Alexandria         16              22           Tough Cali Girl                 Tough

Bre                    5               26           Ghetto Fabulous            Girlfriend

Lisa                    5               30              Wild Child                      Daring

Brittany             4               29                Party Girl                          —

Shannon              1               27                  Angelic                     Trustworthy

Isis                     11              25               Confidence                 Inspiration

Sheena               11              24        Harlem not Hoochie      Unexpected

Laura                   13             22             Country Cutie                  Loveable

Dominique          10             27        Masculine/Feminine         Survivor

Allison               12              23              Quirky Doll                     Unique

Kayla                 15              20             Proud Lesbian                    Free

Ignoring the crazy of these labels (only because I’m not sure my keyboard could survive that rant) that were obviously chosen after Tyra took a trip through a magical chocolate factory and drank some fizzy lifting drink, let’s talk about the models she chose to come back. The “fan favorites.” Fan favorites? Really? I’ve been watching this crazy train since Cycle One and fully admit I drank the top model kool-aid long ago, but who the hell would have ever voted some of these girls “favorites?”

I have to admit I’m a little surprised Jade wasn’t in this cycle! Half this cast of girls were the problem girls that nobody (and I mean N.O.B.O.D.Y.) liked. Who would possibly have listed Bianca, Lisa, Angelea, Dominique or Alexandria their favorites? I sure as hell didn’t and I Fafarazzi my dream team every cycle! I can see Laura, Allison, Sheena and hell, even Brittany or Kayla being true fan faves. Laura is adorable as all get out; Allison is quirky and odd in a fashionable Goth-Loli kind of way and Sheena just be fly.

Whoa. Sorry. I promise never to say that again.

Granted, all people are created equally different in taste and thought process, but I find it really really hard to imagine that Alexandria or Camille were ANYONE’S favorites of their cycles. Where are the rest of the girls I loved that got shafted? Where’s Joanie?! Where’s Natasha?! Seriously, where’s Natasha? Anyone know?

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