David Bowie said that, and how apt when talking about the horde of reality stars being created by scripted candid television. And speaking of scripted reality TV – Next Top Model All Stars BITCHES!!!
Oh, Tyra. Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, Tyra.
Not only is the gimmick for this new cycle a whole new level of “what the fuck?!” but it was enough to bring Rich out of ANTM retirement. On one hand, seriously, Tyra – what the hell? On the other hand, though, Rich episode recaps and pretty parties! (If you don’t know what that meant, you need to seriously read the dang ANTM recaps.)
Okay. Whoo boy. All right, let’s start with our contestants on this cycle
Name Cycle Age Persona Brand
Camille 2 33 Diva Proud
Bianca 9 22 Loud & Sassy Candid
Angelea 14 25 Girl from the Hood Persistence
Alexandria 16 22 Tough Cali Girl Tough
Bre 5 26 Ghetto Fabulous Girlfriend
Lisa 5 30 Wild Child Daring
Brittany 4 29 Party Girl —
Shannon 1 27 Angelic Trustworthy
Isis 11 25 Confidence Inspiration
Sheena 11 24 Harlem not Hoochie Unexpected
Laura 13 22 Country Cutie Loveable
Dominique 10 27 Masculine/Feminine Survivor
Allison 12 23 Quirky Doll Unique
Kayla 15 20 Proud Lesbian Free
Ignoring the crazy of these labels (only because I’m not sure my keyboard could survive that rant) that were obviously chosen after Tyra took a trip through a magical chocolate factory and drank some fizzy lifting drink, let’s talk about the models she chose to come back. The “fan favorites.” Fan favorites? Really? I’ve been watching this crazy train since Cycle One and fully admit I drank the top model kool-aid long ago, but who the hell would have ever voted some of these girls “favorites?”
I have to admit I’m a little surprised Jade wasn’t in this cycle! Half this cast of girls were the problem girls that nobody (and I mean N.O.B.O.D.Y.) liked. Who would possibly have listed Bianca, Lisa, Angelea, Dominique or Alexandria their favorites? I sure as hell didn’t and I Fafarazzi my dream team every cycle! I can see Laura, Allison, Sheena and hell, even Brittany or Kayla being true fan faves. Laura is adorable as all get out; Allison is quirky and odd in a fashionable Goth-Loli kind of way and Sheena just be fly.
Whoa. Sorry. I promise never to say that again.
Granted, all people are created equally different in taste and thought process, but I find it really really hard to imagine that Alexandria or Camille were ANYONE’S favorites of their cycles. Where are the rest of the girls I loved that got shafted? Where’s Joanie?! Where’s Natasha?! Seriously, where’s Natasha? Anyone know?