When I heard there was going to be a cycle for girls 5’7 and under I was tempted to send in a video. I was going to proudly fight to change the face of reality TV by not falling into the cliches of “I’m the smart one” or “I’m not here to make friends” or use the dreaded “I’m doing this for my family. I can’t go back to the (Wal-Mart, Walgreens, strip joint)” lines. Then I remembered that I was twenty-eight (twenty-nine now), have mid-rise cheekbones, average skin can’t wield a hairdryer with any success. No chance in hell.
So, what does a poor man’s Brigitte Dale do instead? I built a dream team. I have chosen the girls I want to see in the top three- Jennifer, Laura and Nicole.
Who do I want to win? Laura, of course.
I want to see her bouncing around like she just drank gummy-berry juice. And I really, really want to see Gramma Wanda Sue in the audience at Fashion Week. In fact, I want Gramma Wanda Sue to show at Fashion Week. Then Laura will always have work (not unlike Danny Elfman whenever Burton finds a script in which Depp can be creepy and hot all at the same time) and we’ll always get to see the amazingly high waisted pants that Gramma Wanda Sue can make.
What I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to see in the rest of the show is this:
I don’t know why the crazy “I love JESUS!” chick disappeared between casting and the makeovers, but damn was I glad she left. My guess as to her “personal issues”- prolonged inpatient treatment (involuntary, naturally) with hyper-religiosity and gardening hat detox. So where does all this leave us for the season? Thanking the heavens that Tyra is still bat-shit insane and that Nigel has stuck around as a judge.
I don’t plan to post something every episode- though nothing says I won’t. But this guy does it better than anyone. Seriously, I scared the cat laughing at his take on this cycle.